I think the sadness is the scariest part of the treatment phase. The sickness only makes me sick, it's not contagious, the fatigue will pass with a lot of sleep, but the sadness has the potential to infect everyone around me. I can't stand to inflict that on anyone else so I try really hard to keep it to myself. Unfortunately, Steve catches the bulk of it. He hears my fears, my thoughts for the future....
I spend a lot of time in prayer. I've moved beyond asking God for "stuff" or favors...I've begun communicating with God. I no longer cry out for Him to fix me, I cry out for His presence. I want to praise Him at all times (Psalm 34:1). Sometimes through the sadness it is hard to sing praises. This weekend my plea was for God to allow the praise to flow through and wash away the sadness. While my sadness doesn't completely disappear, I am able to praise Him. The song "Praise Him in the Storm" comes to mind. Although I have sadness, I also have abundant joy! I am more joy-filled that I have ever been! I know my God and my God knows me - I truly cannot think of anything better than that!
A few verses I would like to share...
WHATEVER HAPPENS, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. (Philippians 1:27)
REJOICE in the Lord ALWAYS. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the PEACE OF GOD, which transcends ALL UNDERSTANDING, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phillipians 4:4-7)
Glorify the Lord with me, let us exalt his name together (Psalm 34:3)
Through the love of Jesus Christ, I am FREE INDEED!