Sunday, April 4, 2010

Easter 2010

Easter 2010. So much different this year from last year. The first difference - Andrew is living on a base in North Carolina. The first major holiday that I have not had both of my children. I was able to talk to him thanks to a webcam. He had dinner with Michelle, a girl he is dating, and her family. The 2nd most apparent difference....I have hair! Last year I was in the middle of my first round of chemo. yuck.

Allie was home and went to worship with Steve and me. After a wonderful worship service at GFBC we went to lunch at the Jennings. Sunny was a new addition this year. Last Easter we were still waiting on her arrival.

My frame of mind seems to be better this week than last. I had a what I describe as a God moment this week. I had been living defeated. I had convinced myself that cancer was back, although it is still another month until I have my petscan. I couldn't put my finger on what exactly was wrong...I was sad, scared and I knew none of this was how God wants me to live. As church started Wednesday night, I confessed to God that I had already given in to cancer and I knew it was back. was feeling a little "why not me" when an announcement was made that a young cancer patient had been declared cancer-free. As soon as I formed the thought I was struck with horrible guilt! I was jealous of a miracle in a teenage girl's life! How terrible of me! I ask God to please remove that selfishness in me. I want to live a life of victory. Even if a victory of cancer is not the path that God has for me I can still live in victory because I have victory over Death. Jesus Christ died for me so that I would not have to - that is truly the only victory worth having.

I still feel like my way of life in hanging on the test results I will get in 24 days. In most ways it is. My career path could change if my cancer is back. The job I have worked so hard for will have to be adjusted if treatment is involved. If I have cancer again the thoughts of any improvements we want to do to the house will have to wait. If cancer is back I will speed up my plans to pay off debts so Steve will not have as much debt on him when I am gone.

Sometimes I forget that these test results may be inconclusive. I may not know anymore next month than I do this month. That may be the worst part - the not knowing.