With the lovely distraction of wedding plans behind us, the thoughts I had been ignoring came back into full view. It was time to decide if I would continue chemo treatments or stop completely and let nature take it's course. It's not a multiple choice question, I only had two options. Growing up in the 70s watching Let's Make a Deal, I was looking for door number 3, that possibly was hiding a shiny new sports car so I could just ride off into the sunset.
I prayed that God would give me an answer as to what I should do, a very clear answer...like a billboard erected at the entrance of the hospital would have been perfect. There was no billboard, not even a Nike ad urging me to "Just Do It". I've enjoyed these few weeks with no chemo, so there was the temptation of not subjecting my body to that misery again. Of course, no treatment means a shorter life span. Chemo gives me a chance of a little more earthly time, but I will be sick. Neither option is great, but I chose chemo. I start a new drug regimen on July 16th.
I seem to always go back and remember the beginning of my cancer (Dec 2008) when I am faced with a decision dealing with my treatment. I wanted to give God the glory for healing me. At that time my emphasis was more on the healing of me. I wanted to give God the glory, but I really wanted to be healed. The weeks passed and each doctor's report was worse than the previous and my faith began to falter. I loved God, I worshiped Him and was longing to serve Him, so why was I being afflicted with this deadly disease. I'm thankful that I was never angry at God, but I was confused and didn't understand the journey. "Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain." Psalm 119:36
God didn't give me cancer, but He knew that I would face this hardship. He set in motion the doctors and nurses. He aligned our path with the path of supportive friends that encourage us, speak scripture over us and pray. He also sprinkles our lives with folks that are only there for a moment. I can't begin to tell you how many times a stranger has said something to me that was just what I needed to hear in that moment.
"It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees." Psalm 119:71
I would love to cast cancer into the deepest ocean and never worry with it again. But the way God has used this for His Glory is so amazing I can't get my head around it. He has blessed me beyond measure by allowing me this time to get to know Him better! The time I have spent in His Word has been sweet time. Some days I am pondering the majestic power that it took to form heaven and earth and other days I am humbled knowing that His heart aches for me. I no longer work or drive so I enjoy having a quiet time with no limits. There is no rushing through a quiet time with God so I can go on to other things. That is such a wonderful gift, maybe even an advantage to having cancer.
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called the children of God" 1 John 3:1
Rejoicing in Christ,