I woke up today in a fog. I had to take nasuea medicine last night and it seems to linger into the next day. My wonderful husband brought me breakfast and coffee and set me up with all the necessities before he left for work: phone, laptop, cross-stitch and remote control. I was set for my usual Friday after treatment.
As I was coming out of my fog I remembered that I needed to call for tumor marker results from yesterday. The nurse returned my call with, "Amy, I wish I had good news." I felt my day spiraling downward. My doc told me yesterday that he didn't want to see me rise to a 7 too soon, my number this week is 6.5. As my dad use to say, I got in by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin. The numbers are rising which means the cancer is growing and the meds aren't working as well as they were in the beginning. This journey is moving at a faster pace than I had hoped.
I hung up the phone and just sat dumbfounded for a few minutes. The same old news reel ran through my head. Why do I have cancer, what family moments will I miss, what will my family do when I am gone.? I have cancer, but why does my family have to suffer.? My world was about to cave in around me.
I picked up my devotion books and headed to my deck, where the world seems to always open up again. I turned to the page for the next memory verse I am to work on. "This is the day the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it."
But God, this is not a fun day. "But it is a day I have made"
But God, I am sad. "This is the day I have made"
But God, I am scared. "Rejoice in the day I have made"
God, help me rejoice. "I am here"
God, help me. "I will never leave you"
This is the day the Lord has made, WE WILL rejoice and be glad in it.
The scripture doesn't say, MAYBE I will rejoice, or I SHOULD rejoice, or if I FEEL GOOD I will rejoice.
This is the day the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it! Thank you God for this day that you have made. It IS a beautiful day, the air is cooler, the sun is bright and the birds are singing. Thank you God for reminding me that this is a day that YOU have made and I WILL rejoice and be glad in it!