Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

My body is committing treason!

Those things it should do, sometimes it does not.  Those things it shouldn't do, sometimes it does.  It is shirking its duties.  Chemo and cancer likes to play tricks like that.  

My heart is still beating and I am grateful.

My tumor-riddled lungs are still breathing at full capacity, which is a miracle.

Then there are other parts of me that seem to be on a long lunch break.  Those are the parts that frustrate me.  Those are the parts that keep me from operating at maximum capacity.

All parts of our body are in important, with a job to do.  Just like the church (the people, not the steeple) is all a part of the body of Christ.  Each with a specific purpose to advance the Kingdom of God.  If you're not living out a purpose for Christ it is not because you don't have a purpose.  You have a purpose, you're just not doing it.  Whoa!  How was that for being direct?  I have had to face the reality that I was taking a long lunch break and not serving my Lord.  

You see, I wanted to travel to remote places, feed the hungry, give them clean water and tell them about Jesus.  My disease has made that impossible.  I was frustrated.  I was spiritually sitting before God with my lip stuck out and my arms crossed.  I wasn't getting to do what I wanted to do for Jesus.  I prayed for those I know that have been on mission trips, but I also envied them. Envy is not of God.  I was so disappointed that I was allowing Satan to enter into my heart regarding God's will for my life. 

"Have Thine Own Way Lord, Have Thine Own Way.  You are the Potter, I am the clay."

I have asked God to forgive me and have set my heart and mind on the things I CAN do.  My heart aches for those in desperation.  Those desperate for a chance, desperate for another chance, desperate for a way out.  That encompasses a large segment of the Earth's population.  

Several opportunities to serve have landed in my lap...which is where my Ipad sits and where I get most of my information.  My hope is to share with you what I'm involved in.  Please know this is not an attempt to "show off" or brag.  My desire is that it may help you think of ways to serve your Heavenly Father or move you to help me. 

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend and two attacked by one would be safe, and three cords twisted together are not quickly broken" Ecclesiastes 4:12


To be continued...Lord willing....

In Season

 

I can't think of anything much better than the taste of a fresh, ripe, red tomato.  My mouth is watering just thinking about it.  I love to add them to a sandwich, but prefer that it flies solo (with a tad of mayo) and they adorn my plate along side other fresh veggies of the season.  Yep!  I love tomatoes.  There.  I said it.

But it is so disappointing to bite into a tomato expecting all that goodness to explode on your taste buds and get...nothing.  Those bland imported type - ugh.  It may look pretty but it just wasn't ready or maybe it was forced into its bloom, growth and color before it's time.

Which, by the way boys and girls, brings me to a verse of scripture I want to share.

"He (a blessed man) is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit IN SEASON and whose leaf does not wither.  Whatever he does prospers"  Psalm 1:3

I have read Psalm 1 a billion...well, a bunch of times.  But this morning and two words jumped at me, which sounds kinda scary, but it's not.  It's exciting when the Holy Spirit does that - it's like He is saying, "YO!  Those words are for you today."

IN SEASON - I try to rush God.  I want things right now.  I want to run ahead and get things done.  I want things straightened out yesterday, if not sooner.  Those that have heard my testimony know that at one time I was begging God for my mission field.  I was not ready yet, it was not my season, not my time. So God kept telling me to wait. I believe He prepares our heart, mind and soul before revealing things to us.

Like the tree, "planted by streams of water", I am planted in the word of God and the more nourishment I receive, the clearer God's plans become.  If I stay rooted in His word I will not wither.  My desire is to seek His will for me.  Not just for my life, but for my day, for this minute.

Thanks for letting me share my thoughts.  Now go grab a tomato sandwich and your Bible and get filled up!

Living through His grace,

AmyLou

p.s.  Speaking of seasons, my most recent Cancer Center Bulletin Board is posted under the tab The Blue Cancer.  Go check it out.

The Good and The Bad

Chemo always results in bad days, some worse than others.  Folks have asked me how I do it or even why I do it.  To answer the question of "how" it is purely because of the strength God gives me each day.  It is hard, it is no fun, it is beyond any description I can come up with (really encouraging, huh?), but somehow because of God's mercy and grace, I come out on the other side with a hope of better days.  Which brings me to the "why".  

To answer the "why"...

the enjoyment of listening to the stories my children tell of their lives, their very grown up lives.  Marriage and career for one, serving our great country for the other.  I'm so honored they want to share their stories with me.  

Also, breathing in the intoxicating scent of honeysuckles

the feel of a cool breeze

the tranquility of our backyard: sparkling waters and blooming flowers.

Be assured, these are only a few of the things I love about my life.  The point to this rambling is this: yes, I have bad days, but by God's grace the good days out weigh the bad by a long shot!

No, wait a second, that wasn't the point of my rambling...this is...

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"

All things...the good, the bad and the ugly...God works for the good of me because I love Him...and goodness, that is good enough for me!  By the way, that is Romans 8:28.

I hope your week is a blessed one!

AmyLou

p.s.  I'm trying a larger font and would love feedback from you.  I'm thinking if I was having a hard time reading what I typed that you may be having a hard time reading it too.

To Blog or Not To Blog?

To blog or not to blog?  That seems to be my question of late.  So many things I want to say, so many things that need to be said.  So what stops me?  Some days the laptop stays quiet because I'm too sick to transfer thoughts into words.  Still other days are silent because I don't want pity from my kind-hearted readers.  And lastly, the good days, when I can enjoy God and all His splendid gifts, I am still silent.  This last silence comes from a fear of not showing the true, heart-wrenching, two sides of my story.  I love making jokes and showing the positive side of my life, but honestly, there is much more to learn from the darkness...or at least the bursting forth from the darkness.

I read the book of Esther in my bible time today.  Probably to most familiar verse in the story of this Jewish orphan becoming a queen is 4:14

  "For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arrive from another place, but you and your family will perish.  And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this."

Who knows?

Esther's rise to queen could be straight from a fairy tale.  But it is not.  It is only one of many stories of how God puts people in specific places, for specific duties at "such a time".  Of course, we have the choice to carry out God's will or turn our back on His plan.  I hope that I always choose God's plan.

Esther was a beautiful queen. I'm a cancer patient.  Worlds apart, centuries apart, but still each one in a "position for such a time as this."  Ester's obedience saved the lives of many, many Jews.  I only hope my obedience will shed God's light of hope to a dying and desperate world.

What position are you in for God's glory?
His plan will happen, will it happen with you or with you?

Jelly Beans and Jesus

I'm baaack...that is the message I always text to my sisters when the chemo fog has cleared from my brain and I begin the waking up process.  It always feels like I've taken a long trip but have no souvenirs or pictures or fun memories to validate.  I have two and half days of chemo and by the afternoon of day three I am in the bed.  I sleep for about four days.  I vaguely remember people coming in and out.  Mostly Steve, checking on me, bringing me water because I can't stand the taste of anything else.  He tries various foods, some I eat, some I don't.  Bless him.

I think of these days as 'jelly beans and Jesus' days.

The chemo, along with meds I take to help with side effects, leaves a taste in my mouth that compares to the "back side of a billy goat".  No, I don't actually know what a back side of a billy goat tastes like, but I can imagine it is really bad and this taste is really bad...see how my brain works?

Anywho, the only thing that helps is jelly beans and lots of them.  I wake up at all hours, day and night, reaching for the beans.  Sometimes falling asleep again before finishing a handful.  This antidote has produced some comical moments.  Once, I was sure I had developed some horrible rash on my hand only to realize the candy coating had stained my hands as I slept. (Cancer patients get a little jumpy about strange rashes).  The best happened when Gracie woke me up being very friendly with dog kisses all over my neck.  It turns out she wasn't that happy to see me, she had found where I dropped the jelly beans the night before!

The candy may soothe my mouth, but Jesus is the only thing that can soothe my soul.  Those days of sleep are very dark.  Satan takes the opportunity to whisper lies of weakness, insufficiency and hopelessness.  I pray for God to hold my thoughts captive, to not let Satan gain one inch.  I have prayer warriors committed to pray the same when I am too weak.  There are times when I repeat "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus" or think of words to hymns I grew up singing.

On this day, the day of awakening, I feel light, full of joy and promise...maybe it is all the jelly bean sugar, but I believe it is Jesus guiding me out of the dark forest and into His light.

Dear friend, hold tight to Jesus' hand in the darkness.  He is as close as a whisper.

Today I wish you the sweetness that only Jesus can give. Today, would you buy a bag of jelly beans?   Today, would you share the sweetness of Jesus?

Ending, Beginning or Middle - Part 2

Yesterday's post ended with verse 7 of Psalm 116.  "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you"

That is quickly becoming a favorite verse for me.  Breathe it in deep, let it feel every cell of your being.  It feels like being served warm cocoa with extra marshmallows.

I'm so excited to share these thoughts with you.  God's word is so alive and I just get all revved up to talk about Him.  So, here we go!

March 7, 2013
Psalm 116: 8

8. For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death,   Until Christ's triumphant return we will all have a physical death.  But Jesus has delivered us from the death of our soul.  The body is temporary - the really important part is the soul.  my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. As my body weakens there are so many tears and stumblings, but God is faithful.. He will not abandon me, He is always there to steady my step.

12.  How can I repay the Lord for the goodness He has shown to me? His peace, strength and provision through this struggle has never wavered.  Even when my faith faltered He remained faithful.   It is a debt I could never repay.  

 13. I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.  14.  I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people.  As an answer to the question in verse 12, this is how God wants to be "repaid" for His goodness to me.  He wants me to worship Him, praise Him and speak of Him to all people. It is my hope that I fulfill the vows that I made as a new Christian.  God desires my worship and praise.  I will speak His name to all people!

15 Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.  Ok, I had to do some thinking on this verse.  I had to look up several commentaries.  According to my study notes it means the death of his saints are "carefully watched over".  Barnes' commentary says "the act of removing a servant from the world is an act of deep deliberation on the part of God and not taken lightly."  Woo! Does that hit anybody else like it does me?  I guess I've always thought since God is all knowing that our death was really no big deal to him.  It happens so often, every day, all over the world.  I kind of pictured it like the check out at a grocery store.  As we leave earth we are put on the conveyor belt thing and roll our way to the front where we get scanned.
beep...beep...beep...beep.  Sorry, if that was insensitive.  Does anybody thing about things the same way I do?  

I hope you've enjoyed this peek into my devotional journal.  It is my intention to post as often as I can.  There will be days that I will not feel up to the task.  Thanks for taking this journey with me.


Blessings abound, just look around!
AmyLou

Ending, Beginning or Middle?

Is it the beginning of an end or the end of a beginning or maybe the middle of neither.

I have been literally fighting for my life for almost four and one half years.  My doc has thrown every drug at me that has a chance of slowing this speeding train called cancer.  Some have worked, some have not.   Once a treatment stops working or is found to not work at all it is marked off the list.  I'm at the bottom of my list.

Cancer and the attempt to demolish it has taken a toll on my physical being.  I don't recognize myself and some of the side effects I have endured have made me think my body has been taken over by aliens.  I am thankful that God gave me a sense of humor to help me get through some of these very odd occurrences.

While my physical being is becoming a stranger to me, I find myself spending more time in my soul.

I have been promising (or threatening) to share the writings from my personal devotion time.  God spoke volumes to me through Psalm 116 for several days in early March.  Since that time I have returned to these verses time and again.  In sharing this with you, I hope it will encourage and bless you.  I will break it down into separate days.  So, today is installment one.  Scripture is in bold, my thoughts in italics.

March 6, 2013
Psalm 116: 1-7

1. I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. 2. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.  I cried out to God during my cancer diagnosis and again even louder and more desperate when I was diagnosed as terminal.

3.  The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by my trouble and sorrow.  4.. Then I called on the name of the Lord; "O Lord, save me!"  When I sought out His face and  cried out to Him, He heard me.  The Almighty God of the Universe heard me...a sinner, someone with no power, fame or great talent...He heard me.  

5. The Lord is gracious and righteous, our God is full of compassion.  6.  The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, He saved me.  God is ALL gracious, ALL righteous and ALL compassion, only God can be ALL of those ALL the time.  In my time of need he is there to scoop me up, dust me off and stand me upright again.

7.  Be at rest, once more, O my soul for the Lord has been good to you.  Even though I know God is with me, sometimes my human nature rears its ugly head and I feel that I am falling back into desperation.  Daily I need to recall vs 7.

Be at rest, once more, O my soul for the Lord has been good to you.

Today, I pray that you know the gracious, righteous, compassionate King of Kings.

AmyLou